If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
