so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
