Three words: puerto rican gang bang
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
