WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
