You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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