I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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