my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
