Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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