In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
