You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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