my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
