So drunk its hurt
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Ketchup is God's man juice
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
