Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
