My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
