My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
