he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
