I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
