My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
