so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
