watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
