I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
