I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
