The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
