Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
