I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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