I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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