I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
