I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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