Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
