I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My ass is underappreciated
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
