I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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