this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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