I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
