dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
