There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
