I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
