Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
