Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
