MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
