Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
