haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
