this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
