and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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