did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
