I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
