Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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