Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
