Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
