Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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