imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
