no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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