chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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