I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
