please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
